Forever seventeen - Deanna Santana

I have a pet peeve – people who bemoan and complain about growing older.  The ones who live as if they are twenty-one despite the two extra decades they’ve celebrated because they think people will think less of them at age 55.  Don’t mistake that for not liking to have fun and occasionally acting like a silly teenager or trying to stay fit so my body is more like it was decades ago.  I also totally understand being sad that stages of life have passed or being sad that without a bottle of hair dye my hair would be grey- those aren’t my issue. I’m talking about the ones who fret and worry about growing old all the time.  They refuse to tell people how old they are or they completely lie about it as if the number more important than the experiences they’ve had.  It drives me absolutely nuts.  Guess what, I’m 50 and proud of it!!!

Why does it bother me so much?  Because I’m stuck with the most amazing son who will forever be seventeen.  His friends have gone to college, found jobs, some have gotten married and had babies.  However, he is still in high school, a bagger at the grocery store, and his biggest worry is prom and finals next week.  He and I have been stuck there for almost seven years when he died.  I’ve done all the things I think I was “supposed to do” – his room and our house are no longer shrines, we celebrate each holiday and milestone with renewed vigor and appreciation, I’ve even followed his lead and changed careers.  But each May, as we approach our “hell week” I’m reminded of all the things we’ve missed.

I used to curl up in a ball and sob my way through May and thankfully, I'm rarely in the fetal position  but now I’m befuddled by a new stage.  The stage that my memory isn’t exactly what it was and neither is anyone else’s.  In the early days and years of grief, I could close my eyes and it was as if he was right there.  Now, I have to really think about it and it doesn’t come easily.  I know his spirit his here and his legacy is here- but his voice isn’t as easily recalled. Few people tell us stories we haven’t already heard about him because we’ve heard most of them- there are no more new ones.

 No. More. New. Ones. I'm not going to lie, that reality stinks worse than his football bag ever did! There are actually some stories that I’m beginning to hate- I’ve heard them too many times and I’m not even really sure if they are accurate anymore or if they’ve become larger than they were. But, if you do remember something- please tell us because they bring us joy.

This year, May has started with the annual angst and dread.  I don’t want to remember our “hell week” because I like to think it doesn’t define me.  In the past seven years- I’ve changed careers, watched my family expand by two -a son-in-law and granddaughter, watched my husband lose his passion for work and find it again, and I’ve even developed a Faith deeper than I’d ever imagined.  But yet, there is one facet of my life that is the same – Scott is forever seventeen and I hate that.  I’ve tried to imagine him as a 24-year-old.  I’ve tried to imagine him holding his niece and loving her like only Scott could.  I’ve tried to imagine what girl-friends he would have brought home.  But, none of these images work because he is forever seventeen.  I guess “hell week” does define part of me and I will embrace it.  But, I will never like it and my heart will be forever wounded with a six-foot hole in it.  Thankfully, hearts grow and expand with love so there is plenty of room for new loves.

If you are reading this then you are aging- well or not – embrace it because it isn’t a luxury afforded to all.

Mother's Day - A Field of Land Mines for Moms Like Me

Mother’s Day for this Mom

“I forgot you even had two kids.”  Really?!?!  You tell me this less than one week before Mother's Day?!?!  Perfect timing.  Well, maybe it is because writing my feelings down will help me be prepared...yeah, right.

Mother’s Day has so many emotions for this mom it’s hard to track them all-it’s like a Hot Wheel track with jumps and loop-d-loops on steroids!  Before I had kids, it was all about my mom.  I tried in my own way to make special gifts and do special things.  Then, when I had kids I put all sorts of crazy expectations on my husband and kids to make the day “just right”.  In 2004, my Mom died about a month before Mother’s Day, it was a hard year to celebrate.  I missed my mom so dearly but my kids and husband did a beautiful job celebrating and honoring me while allowing my tears to fall throughout the day.  For about 18 years of motherhood, I struggled to find just the right recipe for a fun, restful and perfect day.  It was great when I balanced the guilt, anxiety, joy, disappointment, fear, and all the other feelings surrounding this day-when I knew I didn’t have to have the perfect day, just “my perfect” day.

As I became older and wiser (hahaha), I finally had Mother’s Day handled.  I made my plans, simple or complicated and told everyone what I wanted so and ended my hurt feelings or missed targets.  As a matter of fact, Mother’s Day 2011 WAS “my perfect” day.  I told the kids I wanted to go to church and do yard work for my celebration, followed by a low key dinner.  The day began with funny and sentimental cards followed by small gifts.  Next, we were off to Church.  So perfect was the day, I was even okay when we couldn’t sit in our usual seat-nothing was going to ruffle my feathers.  If you know me, being misplaced from my pew is a big deal-but I adapted.  I was so joyous that Marissa was home from college for the weekend and so elated we were all together at Church.  Scott had to leave midway through the service to head off to work but I so vividly remember him kissing to top of my head and whispering, “Happy Mother’s Day, I love you.”  I can still feel it if I close my eyes.  After Church, we headed home and tackled the yard that was springing with Spring!  It was the year’s maiden voyage for my lawn mower, complete with the new battery that Scott had given me as my gift.  Marissa and I pulled weeds, cleared brush and visited.  Scott came home that afternoon and Marissa went off to her boyfriend’s house to celebrate his mom.  I fell into bed that night exhausted and completely content in my day.  Proud to be the mom of the most beautiful, funny, perfect, flawed and wonderful children in the world.

Well, Scott died two weeks later and I am quickly approaching my fifth Mother’s Day sans Scott.  I have entered a new realm of not knowing how to celebrate Mother’s Day.  It feels like nothing will work and nothing will ever fulfill the desires of my heart.  There is a huge part of me that wants to skip it. Lock, stock, and barrel.  But, there is another part of me that doesn’t because I am the mom of two amazing kids.  But, that’s hard because if we go to brunch we are surrounded by families and I wonder what “could’ve been”.  People ask how many kids I have-that always results in awkward moments while I stumble through answering.  Usually,  I "bomb" their day by telling the truth- I've yet to master a good answer to that question. Marissa cares so deeply and tries so hard to honor me. I feel like I let her down when I cry or when I’m distracted wondering what we'd be doing if we were all together, it makes me feel like a failure.  

So, this year, she and I will do some small things together, maybe shop for her yard or get pedicures.  My yard is calling my name so maybe I’ll take my mower for a spin.  I will also pull out the last Mother’s Day card Scott gave me, a silly one with Wilma Flintstone, and put it on the mantle right next to the perfect card Marissa will give me.  Thankfully, experience tells me that I will find a “new perfect” way to celebrate-I just hope it doesn’t take me 18 years to find it. 

I have been asked what people can say to make the day better. 

Here are my do’s and don’t:

·       Do:  Speak my child’s name, it won’t make me cry any more or less but it will make me happy to know you are thinking of him and remembering him.

·       Do: Tell me Happy Mother’s Day, being a mom is my greatest accomplishment.

·       Don’t: Tell me you’re glad I have another child. 

·       Don’t: Please don't obsess about the day.  If a mom like me wants to celebrate-celebrate.  If she wants to skip it-that’s okay. 

·       Do:  Give me grace.  I may RSVP that I can come to your Mother’s Day event and then bail out.  Please forgive me and don’t make me feel any worse than I already do.

      Do:  Ask me to go to the movies or for a walk.

2015…2016 Reflecting on 2011…2012

On December 31, 2011, I wrote a journal entry that is filled with pain and sorrow.  Reading it earlier this week made my heart physically ache in memory of those early days after Scott died.  I was pleading with God to make 2012 a better year than 2011 or even to let me go home to Heaven because I wasn’t sure I wanted to go on living.  I wrote empty words of hope that the coming year would be better but you can hear the doubt between each line.  You might wonder why I looked back-am I stupid (sometimes)?  It is the first time I’ve gone back and actually read anything I wrote during that first year.  I was asked to share my grief testimony but I am out of town so I wrote it.  To start, I looked back to my journal from four years ago.  My first Christmas without Scott had just recently passed and I was looking New Years in the face-with no hope, happiness or joy.

Well, after reading those old entries and writing my thoughts about grief I find myself with a pep in step this afternoon.  I’ve been reflecting on this past Christmas and I am again looking New Year’s in the nose!  But, this time it is with anticipation and hope and yes, even JOY!  When you are moving forward at a snail’s pace it is hard to see the progress you might be making.  I know my heart remembers the pain vividly but thankfully, my brain has learned to put most of the pain aside, most days anyway.

This past Christmas was the best I’ve had since Scott died it was filled with love, fun and laughs.  We were able to talk about a “new normal” Christmas and how we want it to be in the future.  I found myself looking forward to celebrating with friends and family.

Rich and I had wonderful vacation driving across part of Route 66.  We visited friends in Colorado and just had a splendid time!  The family we visited includes one of Scott’s dearest friend’s, going to see the new Star Wars movie, snowboarding, and just relaxing.  I was nervous I’d be an emotional wreck but it was fun, light, and we had some wonderful conversations about Scott too.  But, the whole trip was AWESOME.



Then, on the way home, rushing to make it home on December 22^nd so I could finish up my shopping and get the house ready for company “it” happened.  The BIG Christmas meltdown…it happened when we hit bad weather and had to take an extra day to drive home.  I was devastated and sobbed (okay, it was an ugly cry) in our hotel room.  Rich felt awful that he couldn’t get me home like I wanted and couldn’t comfort me.  I think he knew it really had nothing to do with an extra day but everything to do with Scott.  It had been a few months since the last one and the most intense by far in recent history!

But, the next morning we were on the road and I was feeling refreshed and ready to celebrate.  I didn’t look it with swollen eyes and a red nose but I did feel it!  I can remember driving across boring Nevada (sorry, to my Nevadan friends…it IS the loneliest highway) and thinking, “am I okay, am I really okay”?  Shopping, cleaning, and baking commenced on Christmas Eve with joy and focus.  We went to Marissa’s and celebrated-I felt Scott was happy that we were joyous. The Christmas carols only made me happy-didn’t make me cry and I found myself seeking them out on the radio.  That day, only a few things that made me sigh and long to hear/see his reaction to things but all in all, I think I wore a smile for the whole day!
Marissa and Matt hosted and I was able to help cook-it was a super day!

Now, looking at the New Year, I am filled with wonder and excitement.  I have a great guy to share my adventure whether it is good or bad.  I know it will be filled “Scott Signs” just to remind me that he is “here” just not physically. My nose will itch at the oddest moments reminding me that my Mom is never far away either.  Beyond that, I know that I will share beautiful moments with my girl, Marissa, and relish in watching her become a beautiful strong woman! I also know I will be continually graced by meeting new people on this journey to walk along side and learn from.

If you are in an different season of grief, I pray for your heart continually.  I pray that you will find your footing and your own way to seek joy again.  It is out there-different than before-but it is there. Remember that your timeline is not my timeline and that you have the privilege to grieve in your own way and honor your loved one in your your own way too.

grace and Grace: Blessed by Life

Blessed by Life. Another Year in the Books.

It is the night before my 48^th birthday and I am sitting here in the quiet of my home thinking about the meaning of life.  For those of you who know me well, that could either mean I’m thinking about really deep, important things such as gender and race equality or the role God takes in my life; or something as superficial as what purse to carry tomorrow (a Disney Dooney, of course).  But, tonight my mind is unusually quiet and peaceful.  I’d love to share why I think it is and why I think it’s different this year.

Being born near Thanksgiving I HATED turkey and the big meal (except maybe the yummy stuffing and whipped cream)!  I REALLY didn’t like sharing my day with the whole family when it fell every few years on Thanksgiving. I think I was jealous of sharing “my day”.  As a matter of fact, when I had kids, I announced that each and every time my birthday fell on Thanksgiving, it would be our family tradition to take a trip to Disneyland.  I loved the special attention given to me on my birthday and as I got older my birthday became my birthday week, then my birthday month…I think I was headed towards celebrating my birthday season.  I loved the anticipation of what my gifts and cards would hold-the sentiments of love and friendship.  My birthday has always been wrapped up with Rich’s since his falls one week before mine.  He told me almost 30 years ago that the quality of my birthday was directly related to the quality of his so we always tried to “one up” the other.  It wasn’t about the gifts but about the anticipation and attention.  Not that it was bad or unhealthy it was just a time that I tended to think more about me than others. 

But, today the eve of 48, I’m reflecting on why I’ve not ripped open the birthday cards I’ve gotten in the mail so far.  It seems so strange and out of character-I am thrilled they are there but I want to wait.  Not once have I peeked, thought about steaming open the edges or even held them up to the light for a glimpse.  I am a self-confessed package peeker at Chistmas and I learned at a young age how to rewrap so my mom wouldn’t notice I’d peeked. But this year is different, oddly and pleasantly different. This year I want the day to unfold slowly and to see the cards tomorrow- it’s almost as if I’m content to just know they were sent.  Last weekend, I mentioned to Rich that I haven’t been interested in my usual “Birthday Round” of special dinners out and he said he had noticed... 

Tonight, I read a devotional that said to “be still and listen” so I did.  This is what I heard:

I have been so blessed in my 48 years that I don’t need any more gifts (Rich that doesn’t mean I don’t want that Disney Dooney just that I don’t NEED it to know you love me).  Happy thoughts have been plentiful tonight . I have the best daughter in the world, who even left me a special card before she embarked on her first European vacation this week.  I am pretty sure my mom would tell you I was NEVER that thoughtful or organized.  I have a husband that loves me through the good, the bad and the ugly.  Family and friends who have lifted me up from the depths of despair and held my hand and heart while I wept.  I have a job that I love that makes a difference in this world.  I love a son who isn’t living here anymore but taught me more about compassion, love and selflessness than people who have lived 300 times more than his 17 short years.

“Give and it will be given,” Luke 6:38 is my message for 2016. 

I receive this message as thus: 

·       I gave my heart to Rich and he has loved me far more than I ever thought I could be loved. 

·       I devoted myself to being the best parent I could be (bumps, warts, mistakes and all) and I was given the loveliest and most special children who have taught me far more than I would have known without them.  I am a better person for being their mom.

·       My parents taught me to give.  They showed me to volunteer at church- be the one who puts the chairs away.  In school, be the one who offers to clean the erasers (thank goodness that is a job no longer needed in this world).  I have been the recipient of such generous charity-there are not words to describe what has been given to me and my family.  My heart is humbled by what has been given to us.

·       I have shared Scott’s story of donation and my story through grief to help my heart process and heal.  Many women have come to share their stories with me and I have gained the courage and strength to stand tall, cry crocodile tears when I need to, speak Scott’s name when I want to and always know I am not alone. 

·       I was a friend to a few in my younger shy years.  As I’ve aged, I have learned to reach out to others. In return, countless others have reached out to me and touched my soul.  I am rich beyond the measure of a bank account.

But, the thing that I’ve received that I did not have to give anything for is grace.  My family has always shown grace but I have not always been grateful for it.  To me, grace is the ability to make mistakes and be forgiven.  The ability to say stupid things, apologize and be forgiven.  The fact that I can hurt feelings, be utterly and stupidly unaware but yet be forgiven when I am heartily sorry.  Wow, the examples I’ve experienced have woven a quilt of love in my heart that could fill the universe.

All of these ramblings are my attempt to show my gratitude for another year-but make me not feel impatient to celebrate “gifts”.  I have been given the biggest gift of all God’s Grace-flaws and all.  My sincerest wish to all is that you find grace and Grace before you are 48 years old.  That is doesn’t take the death of a son or mother to make you see them and appreciate them.

Toast today to life, grace, Grace and happiness.  Looking forward to seeing all my beautiful cards and notes tomorrow-I know it will be a beautiful day. 

The Miracle Ain't the Life You Missed...It's The Life You've Got

"The miracle ain't the life you missed,…, it's the life you've got."  Beverly Lewis in "The Shunning"

Only a few people know that I love Amish fiction.  Escaping in my mind to a simpler place where the focus is on God, family and community.  A place where forgiveness happens quickly, a place where everyone wants what is best for all.  Don’t freak out, I know it is a fictionalized place and there are downsides just as there are to every culture. I’m fully aware I am imagining a storybook version- I haven’t lost my sensibility nor my cynicism but tonight while binging on some Amish fiction Hallmark movies I was inspired by the quote, “"The miracle ain't the life you missed, Katie, it's the life you've got." 

This spoke to my heart because as a bereaved mom I sometimes wish for/ question why God did not perform a miracle and kept Scott here.  Thankfully, those days are few and far between because most days I can celebrate that he is Home, where I can’t wait to be.  However, on those days that my heart hurts openly, my eyes flow like two rivers and my mind can’t help but wander to the “what would Scott be doing today” place it’s easy to overlook the miracle of “the life I’ve got.”  There is always an occasion to go to the “what if” place, a trip to the grocery, a birthday, Scott’s friends heading off for another year of college, a rugby match, leaving for boot camp, traveling, getting married, having kids, the list goes on and on.  Recently, a miracle was given to a family near to my heart who could have easily been on our path.  I rejoice that they were given the miracle I prayed for but it took me to a “what if” place for a few days recently.  There are a few other people close to me right now still praying for that miracle and I will continue to lift their petition up to God with pure heart that those are miracles are given.

Tonight though, I refocused because the miracle I got is the “life I’ve got.”  This isn’t a new idea, just something that I was reminded of at just the right time (again).  I’m thankful that God is patient and continues to send me the messages I need, just when I need them because I am every so forgetful, human, and downright stupid sometimes.  Following Scott’s accident I spent every waking moment in pain and disbelief.  I stopped being present for my friends and family.  Understanding that this is part of the journey and true friendship is there to carry us through those dark times; however, much to my dismay, as I came out of that black cloud I missed so much living.  At Marissa’s graduation, I cried tears that Scott wasn’t there for her, that I’d never see him graduate from high school or college.  At every wedding since I’ve sobbed through the mother/son dance because I won’t ever have it.  Each holiday is a struggle to stay “here” but I am learning.  Ahhh, it makes me want to scream because I think I discounted my present for my “derailed future”!  Sadly, Marissa was one of the first people to gently remind me to “be present” and not miss out on living today.  Out of the mouths of babes we often learn the most valuable lessons.  

I am pretty much the luckiest damned person alive.  I have the most amazing husband who loves me and my craziness unconditionally.  I have the smartest, most beautiful daughter who expanded our circle by marrying Matt who loves her unconditionally and just loves to make her smile.  I have a God who is good (ALL THE TIME) who helped me find a path to share Scott’s story but use my talents to help so many.  I have a village who love us all.  Also, I had 17 years with the best son ever and that is more than any of us is guaranteed.  My miracle is here. Now. And I am blessed to be living my miracle. This isn't saying I haven't lived these four years, I have.  But, just a reminder not to follow too far down the rabbit hole!  

Parents who have lost children, my heart hurts with you.  I hope you find encouragement to focus on the “life you’ve got.”  I hope you do not need to be reminded as often as I do that there is much still here to do.  Sons, daughters, parents, husbands, and framily to love on each and every day don’t forget to hug them, kiss them, laugh with them and cherish them even when you are broken. 

To everyone who reads this blog: Live in the present, not in the past or the future.  The past is a HUGE part of who we are and is the wonderful home to precious memories. The future is/was filled with wonderful expectations everyone knows it isn’t/won’t be the perfect future we imagined (there is no such thing here). However, if we live in the present we may learn that the future is even better than we had hoped for filled with love, joy and tears…I guarantee you that the future won’t be what you expected-whether you worry about it or not…

 "The miracle ain't the life you missed, ... it's the life you've got."

Got a Spare? The Next Chapter

The Next Chapter:  Got a Spare?  On Friday, I should be donating a kidney (my left) to a wonderful person I don’t know and I couldn’t be happier about the prospect!

Well, if you are reading this you mostly know that my beautiful son, Scott, died 4 years, 3 months and 25 days ago AND that Scott was an organ, eye and tissue donor.  Our family has had quite a journey since that time both through our grief and in through the hope we have found in God and in Scott’s donation.  While Rich and I both always had a pink dot on our license we never gave much thought to what it would be like “if” we ever died and became a donor.  We certainly never thought about what it would be like if one of our kids did.  But, as God puts our path in front of us we are walking this journey and we are following the road in front of us.

Recently, it has taken another turn that most I NEVER would have expected but I am following the path as God has led me here.  Many months ago, I began the process of being evaluated to become a living kidney donor.  I put it forth that if it was meant to be, God would take care of everything.  Well, he did and if all continues to go forward this Friday, September 18, 2015 I will be giving my right kidney away to a stranger.  I couldn’t be more excited at the thought that 4 families will receive the gift of life next week (I am kicking off a four person chain) and their families will not have to suffer the loss of a loved one because an organ was not available.  Now, before you get all worked up about my safety, let me explain the process so far.

Evaluation:  If you would like to know how healthy or unhealthy you are just go through the kidney donation evaluation process.  My dad used to sing/read to me “Alice’s Restaurant” and as I was going through the weeks and days of evaluation I kept remembering this one section.  If you know my dad, imagine him telling you this in his best “Walt Johnson/Arlo Guthrie” voice.                                

“Proceeded down the hall, gettin' more injections, inspections, detections, neglections,  and all   kinds of stuff that they was doin' to me at the thing There, and I was there for two hours...three hours... four hours... I was there for a long time goin' through all kinds of mean, nasty, ugly things,  and I was just havin' a tough time there, and they was inspectin', Injectin', every single part of me, and they was leavin' no part untouched!

While nothing in my evaluation was bad, it was through and I would not describe it as fun by any means but certainly educational.  The last thing a doctor will do is remove a kidney from a donor if it will cause injury to them later on down the road.  I have had blood tests, blood pressure tests, EKG’s, CT Scans, X-rays, Social Worker interviews, and Psych Evaluations.  Rich had to be evaluated to make sure he was in support.  Marissa has been included every step of the way. We feel we are ready to embark on this journey.

Once my evaluation was complete and the team of professionals decided I was healthy (body, mind and soul) to donate they put my information into a system to find a match.  In my case they found a match who had another person who was a willing donor but not a match for them.  That starts the chain-there were 3 others who had willing donors who they found another match!  Thus, through one person (me) donating, four people will receive the gift of life through this process.

Now, let me spend some time answering some of the questions I have gotten since I’ve started sharing my decision with those I love.

1.       Are you doing this to mourn Scott?  No, while Scott led me to a place to understand that 22 people DIE every day because there are not enough organs available for transplant (and I am grateful that he taught me this lesson) my donation is to practice what I preach.  I ask people every day, “If your son/daughter needed a kidney, wouldn’t you want someone to step up and give one?”  YES!  I would so I am stepping up.

2.       What if you need a kidney later on?  The beautiful part about our allocation system is that if I willingly step up to be a living kidney donor and later need a transplant, I will go to the top of the waiting list.  HOWEVER, the likelihood of that is minimal.  I have no family history of things leading to renal failure, I understand the small lifestyle adjustments I need to make (good by Advil and Aleve), and the evaluation process checked for factors to make sure I am not taking unnecessary risks.

3.       Do you want to meet your recipient?  When I started this process we had not met any of Scott’s recipients and now that we have I don’t feel any differently.  A gift given is a given without expectations or conditions.  If the person that receives my kidney would like to meet, I’d be happy to but if they would rather remain anonymous, that’s okay.  I totally understand and respect their choice.

4.       What if the person who receives your kidney dies?  While I am doing this to give them more time to live and love I understand that many things are out of our control and in God’s hands.  I have Faith that God has all things in control.  I would be sad for them but not angry or upset.

5.       Not every person who gets a transplant is compliant (follows orders for care), how would you feel if they don’t take good care of your kidney?  I hope they do, I hope this is another chapter in their life and it is a good one.  But, a gift given is a given without conditions. 

6.       Are you scared?  What if you die, it is surgery?  First, I am not scared.  Not excited for the actual surgery-that won’t be fun but I feel healthy and strong with a wonderful support system going.  IF I die (although the center my donation is taking place at has NEVER had a donor pass away) I am ready.  I know that I’ll be with Jesus if I die and that makes me less fearful.

7.       You know it is going to hurt, don’t you.  Well, this is where my sarcasm wants to do overtime!  Of course I know, I work with many transplant recipients, living donors and their families (Donate Life Ambassadors) many of them have been here to answer my questions.  At the transplant center I have a donor advocate, transplant coordinator and a whole team explaining every step to me. 

8.       Can you change your mind?  Yes, right up until the time I go “under” I can change my mind.  I can let my advocate know and the process will end.  No judgement, no pushing, and no manipulation it is that easy to change my mind.

9.       How long will you be out of work?  Well, the doctors say it “could” be four to six weeks.  I intend to be back in three weeks but I have done all the paperwork to take as much time as I need.  I’m lucky to have all the support I do!

S

See you all on the flip side!  Thank you for all the prayers and good thoughts!  They will carry me through this process!

The Long and Winding Roads

I love my life, my family and the journey that I am on.  I am continually humbled, shocked and amazed how lives are like roads.  The wind, they twist and turn, some have speed limits, speed bumps or blind curves but they are all heading somewhere.  While a family may begin a life on the same road at the same time intersections appear and some may take different turns, slow down before the curve and accelerate through it or others may come to a stop, pause and continue forward.  Recently, I have been contemplating those intersections and consider how our roads intersect, run parallel or even diverge from one another only to come back in line again.

Taking pictures recently for an amazing opportunity with twenty people who have life and a loved one near them because of one special guy has become one of the most important and inspirational days of my life.  It was a MAJOR intersection of roads and I took the time to stop, look around and now continue forward.  When I tried to explain this to someone they asked me what the other dates that are “up there” on my list.  I thought I should write down what was in my heart and how each one builds to the next.  I can't wait to find the next important intersection!

Major Intersections of my life to date:

1.  

     Meeting Rich, the electricity of our connection that day and the smile I “felt” for the first time in my life was a total adrenaline rush.  I knew I had to have more-despite another boyfriend and a few other obstacles.  Almost 30 years later, many ups and downs he still makes me smile and I get a rush when I see his truck picture pop up on my phone.  I love just hanging out with him!

2.       

    The birth of Marissa was filled with fear, excitement and love that I didn’t think was possible.  I looked into her little face and knew that I needed to be the mom she deserved.  I needed to love her unconditionally and give her the best I possibly could.  My heart bursts with pride when she tells me about work, parenting her grand dogs, being kind to her friends; well, pretty much anything she does is “perfect in every way”. 

3.        

    The birth of Scott-nothing like Marissa’s birth but when he gazed up at me my heart expanded two fold.  I wondered how that happened but it did and I felt my chest expand and envelop him.  I watched him grow and observed his spit, fire, and love for others that colored the world.  Watching him love on friends and family yelling, “Go Big Sis” at softball games and pageants was just like being at the top of Mount Everest, it took my breath away.

4.       

     Holding my Mom’s hand while she passed on into God’s care.  My mom had been sick with one of the worst cancers you can have.  She prayed and asked God, “To let me see all my grandchildren.” God fulfilled her prayers and she was cured and had 3 more years to teach me grace, patience (ok, I wasn’t the best student), and how beauty comes from within.  When she developed a secondary cancer and went back to the hospital for treatment she told me, “God granted my prayer before and while I pray to get well again but I am ready to go home if that is God’s will.”  She battled, she fought and the cancer beat her body but she went willingly Home.  My Dad and I were there and held her hands while she slipped away.  I will never forget stroking her head, looking into her eyes when they opened and looked into my heart.  I knew she was at peace and ready to go-I let her go.  I never liked the fact that she died but I knew she was ready to go, so I had to say good-bye.

5.       

    Watching Marissa (and Matt) speak at Scott’s funeral service.  I know she was operating on pure autopilot but she wanted to honor Scott.  She wanted everyone to know what a great brother he was and she did that.  What a strong woman that despite her pain she stood up there and spoke.  I am still in awe of her ability to rise above the pain to share-I don’t think I’ll ever understand where that strength came from but I am beyond proud of her.  I know her journey is hard without Scott, different from mine and made harder by a society that doesn’t get sibling grief.  But, she forges on living a life different than what she envisioned, a beautiful life-that living honors Scott just by her being her.

6.       

   Then there is August 5, 2015 when we all came to the confluence of roads.  In the middle of a photo shoot (on a road-seriously) when we were surrounded by Scott’s gifts.  Rich blurted out, “I can’t wait anymore. I have to hear his heart.”  He laid his head on Rod’s chest and heard Rod’s heart (It USED to be Scott’s but a gift given is his).  He looked up at me with tears in his eyes and a smile on his face.  When it was my turn, I had prepared myself to not be able to hear it but I could!  I felt my belly tingle as if it recognized the beat of a heart that started there.  With my eyes closed, I knew Scott’s heart had given life to another and I could hear it.  Yes, a few more tears and then we invited Marissa to join us.  With the three of us surrounding Rod he let us in to his heart.  It was beautiful, emotional but just the most perfect way to have my kids in one spot.  Scott lives in a beautiful Heavenly home but I miss him dearly and this day was just a fleeting moment in time to feel (hear) the impact this special boy left in this earthly world.

Last week was an amazing opportunity to meet 3 of Scott’s organ recipients and some of their families all in one place.  We had spent a small amount of time with each of them before this and knew that Scott’s gifts had found perfect homes.  That the family’s were intact because of a gift Scott gave.  We found special connections and God-incidences (coincidences some say) with each family to make me feel at ease.  Bringing everyone together for this special (secret) project I wanted it all to be perfect.  Wow, I didn’t know how to prepare other than to not set any expectations.  No expectations of myself and how I should react, no expectations of those families who were honoring Scott by coming to meet us, or no expectations of how others should react.  For a person who likes to control things it’s hard; for a Mom who wants to protect her living daughter and honor her son in Heaven that could be a tall order; for a mom who has made mistakes in helping those around her heal from the grief of losing Scott (all in the name of trying to do the best I can with limited tools I had) it felt overwhelming to let go of control and expectations. 

Well, as “THE DAY” began with house chores, food preparation for a “family bbq” with people I had only just met.  As “THE HOUR” grew near my heart was pounding in my chest, my right eyelid was twitching as it does when I’m troubled and a mind was agitating for the right words might be to put everyone at ease.  As I dusted (but we live in the country in the middle of a drought I don’t know why…) my daily devotional was sitting on the suitcase (a coffee table in my house-if you haven’t seen my decorating I’m sure that sounds nuts) I thought, “I don’t have time to sit and mediate today”.   But, strangely the book kept calling me back.  If there is one thing I’ve learned in my lifetime is to trust your instincts-it is probably God leading you or helping you.  So, I went over to the couch, sat down and opened the book.  Yep, no accident, God was telling me something-exactly what I needed to hear.

                “August 5

                Sit Quietly in My Presence While I Bless You.  Make your mind a pool of water, ready to                   receive whatever thoughts I drop into it.  Rest in My sufficiency as you consider the                             challenges this day presents.  Do not wear yourself out by worrying about whether you                         can cope with the pressures.   Keep looking to Me and communicating with Me as we walk                 through this day together.

               
                Take time to rest by the wayside, for I am not in a hurry.  A leisurely pace accomplishes                       more than hurried striving.  When you rush, you forget who you are and Whose you are.                     Remember that you are royalty in My kingdom.”                   "Jesus Calling", Sarah Young

I sat and smiled.  I heard the message that this day was a blessing to me just as Scott’s choice to be an organ and tissue donor was a blessing to our family.  I sat and reflected on what meeting Rod (Scott’s heart recipient), Linda (Scott’s right kidney recipient), and Brian (Scott’s left kidney and pancreas recipient) was about.  It was about what I have been telling our community about for 4 years.  “On the worst day of our lives 5 families got the best news of theirs.”  Telling people how donation can help those other families avoid the devastation we were feeling when Scott died.  This was my chance to rejoice in the miracle that God led Scott to provide and I needed to sit back, observe the blessing I’ve been given and enjoy the day.  And I did-enjoy, rejoice, shed a few tears and expand my family.