The Long and Winding Roads

I love my life, my family and the journey that I am on.  I am continually humbled, shocked and amazed how lives are like roads.  The wind, they twist and turn, some have speed limits, speed bumps or blind curves but they are all heading somewhere.  While a family may begin a life on the same road at the same time intersections appear and some may take different turns, slow down before the curve and accelerate through it or others may come to a stop, pause and continue forward.  Recently, I have been contemplating those intersections and consider how our roads intersect, run parallel or even diverge from one another only to come back in line again.

Taking pictures recently for an amazing opportunity with twenty people who have life and a loved one near them because of one special guy has become one of the most important and inspirational days of my life.  It was a MAJOR intersection of roads and I took the time to stop, look around and now continue forward.  When I tried to explain this to someone they asked me what the other dates that are “up there” on my list.  I thought I should write down what was in my heart and how each one builds to the next.  I can't wait to find the next important intersection!

Major Intersections of my life to date:

1.  

     Meeting Rich, the electricity of our connection that day and the smile I “felt” for the first time in my life was a total adrenaline rush.  I knew I had to have more-despite another boyfriend and a few other obstacles.  Almost 30 years later, many ups and downs he still makes me smile and I get a rush when I see his truck picture pop up on my phone.  I love just hanging out with him!

2.       

    The birth of Marissa was filled with fear, excitement and love that I didn’t think was possible.  I looked into her little face and knew that I needed to be the mom she deserved.  I needed to love her unconditionally and give her the best I possibly could.  My heart bursts with pride when she tells me about work, parenting her grand dogs, being kind to her friends; well, pretty much anything she does is “perfect in every way”. 

3.        

    The birth of Scott-nothing like Marissa’s birth but when he gazed up at me my heart expanded two fold.  I wondered how that happened but it did and I felt my chest expand and envelop him.  I watched him grow and observed his spit, fire, and love for others that colored the world.  Watching him love on friends and family yelling, “Go Big Sis” at softball games and pageants was just like being at the top of Mount Everest, it took my breath away.

4.       

     Holding my Mom’s hand while she passed on into God’s care.  My mom had been sick with one of the worst cancers you can have.  She prayed and asked God, “To let me see all my grandchildren.” God fulfilled her prayers and she was cured and had 3 more years to teach me grace, patience (ok, I wasn’t the best student), and how beauty comes from within.  When she developed a secondary cancer and went back to the hospital for treatment she told me, “God granted my prayer before and while I pray to get well again but I am ready to go home if that is God’s will.”  She battled, she fought and the cancer beat her body but she went willingly Home.  My Dad and I were there and held her hands while she slipped away.  I will never forget stroking her head, looking into her eyes when they opened and looked into my heart.  I knew she was at peace and ready to go-I let her go.  I never liked the fact that she died but I knew she was ready to go, so I had to say good-bye.

5.       

    Watching Marissa (and Matt) speak at Scott’s funeral service.  I know she was operating on pure autopilot but she wanted to honor Scott.  She wanted everyone to know what a great brother he was and she did that.  What a strong woman that despite her pain she stood up there and spoke.  I am still in awe of her ability to rise above the pain to share-I don’t think I’ll ever understand where that strength came from but I am beyond proud of her.  I know her journey is hard without Scott, different from mine and made harder by a society that doesn’t get sibling grief.  But, she forges on living a life different than what she envisioned, a beautiful life-that living honors Scott just by her being her.

6.       

   Then there is August 5, 2015 when we all came to the confluence of roads.  In the middle of a photo shoot (on a road-seriously) when we were surrounded by Scott’s gifts.  Rich blurted out, “I can’t wait anymore. I have to hear his heart.”  He laid his head on Rod’s chest and heard Rod’s heart (It USED to be Scott’s but a gift given is his).  He looked up at me with tears in his eyes and a smile on his face.  When it was my turn, I had prepared myself to not be able to hear it but I could!  I felt my belly tingle as if it recognized the beat of a heart that started there.  With my eyes closed, I knew Scott’s heart had given life to another and I could hear it.  Yes, a few more tears and then we invited Marissa to join us.  With the three of us surrounding Rod he let us in to his heart.  It was beautiful, emotional but just the most perfect way to have my kids in one spot.  Scott lives in a beautiful Heavenly home but I miss him dearly and this day was just a fleeting moment in time to feel (hear) the impact this special boy left in this earthly world.

Last week was an amazing opportunity to meet 3 of Scott’s organ recipients and some of their families all in one place.  We had spent a small amount of time with each of them before this and knew that Scott’s gifts had found perfect homes.  That the family’s were intact because of a gift Scott gave.  We found special connections and God-incidences (coincidences some say) with each family to make me feel at ease.  Bringing everyone together for this special (secret) project I wanted it all to be perfect.  Wow, I didn’t know how to prepare other than to not set any expectations.  No expectations of myself and how I should react, no expectations of those families who were honoring Scott by coming to meet us, or no expectations of how others should react.  For a person who likes to control things it’s hard; for a Mom who wants to protect her living daughter and honor her son in Heaven that could be a tall order; for a mom who has made mistakes in helping those around her heal from the grief of losing Scott (all in the name of trying to do the best I can with limited tools I had) it felt overwhelming to let go of control and expectations. 

Well, as “THE DAY” began with house chores, food preparation for a “family bbq” with people I had only just met.  As “THE HOUR” grew near my heart was pounding in my chest, my right eyelid was twitching as it does when I’m troubled and a mind was agitating for the right words might be to put everyone at ease.  As I dusted (but we live in the country in the middle of a drought I don’t know why…) my daily devotional was sitting on the suitcase (a coffee table in my house-if you haven’t seen my decorating I’m sure that sounds nuts) I thought, “I don’t have time to sit and mediate today”.   But, strangely the book kept calling me back.  If there is one thing I’ve learned in my lifetime is to trust your instincts-it is probably God leading you or helping you.  So, I went over to the couch, sat down and opened the book.  Yep, no accident, God was telling me something-exactly what I needed to hear.

                “August 5

                Sit Quietly in My Presence While I Bless You.  Make your mind a pool of water, ready to                   receive whatever thoughts I drop into it.  Rest in My sufficiency as you consider the                             challenges this day presents.  Do not wear yourself out by worrying about whether you                         can cope with the pressures.   Keep looking to Me and communicating with Me as we walk                 through this day together.

               
                Take time to rest by the wayside, for I am not in a hurry.  A leisurely pace accomplishes                       more than hurried striving.  When you rush, you forget who you are and Whose you are.                     Remember that you are royalty in My kingdom.”                   "Jesus Calling", Sarah Young

I sat and smiled.  I heard the message that this day was a blessing to me just as Scott’s choice to be an organ and tissue donor was a blessing to our family.  I sat and reflected on what meeting Rod (Scott’s heart recipient), Linda (Scott’s right kidney recipient), and Brian (Scott’s left kidney and pancreas recipient) was about.  It was about what I have been telling our community about for 4 years.  “On the worst day of our lives 5 families got the best news of theirs.”  Telling people how donation can help those other families avoid the devastation we were feeling when Scott died.  This was my chance to rejoice in the miracle that God led Scott to provide and I needed to sit back, observe the blessing I’ve been given and enjoy the day.  And I did-enjoy, rejoice, shed a few tears and expand my family.