Mother's Day - A Field of Land Mines for Moms Like Me

Mother’s Day for this Mom

“I forgot you even had two kids.”  Really?!?!  You tell me this less than one week before Mother's Day?!?!  Perfect timing.  Well, maybe it is because writing my feelings down will help me be prepared...yeah, right.

Mother’s Day has so many emotions for this mom it’s hard to track them all-it’s like a Hot Wheel track with jumps and loop-d-loops on steroids!  Before I had kids, it was all about my mom.  I tried in my own way to make special gifts and do special things.  Then, when I had kids I put all sorts of crazy expectations on my husband and kids to make the day “just right”.  In 2004, my Mom died about a month before Mother’s Day, it was a hard year to celebrate.  I missed my mom so dearly but my kids and husband did a beautiful job celebrating and honoring me while allowing my tears to fall throughout the day.  For about 18 years of motherhood, I struggled to find just the right recipe for a fun, restful and perfect day.  It was great when I balanced the guilt, anxiety, joy, disappointment, fear, and all the other feelings surrounding this day-when I knew I didn’t have to have the perfect day, just “my perfect” day.

As I became older and wiser (hahaha), I finally had Mother’s Day handled.  I made my plans, simple or complicated and told everyone what I wanted so and ended my hurt feelings or missed targets.  As a matter of fact, Mother’s Day 2011 WAS “my perfect” day.  I told the kids I wanted to go to church and do yard work for my celebration, followed by a low key dinner.  The day began with funny and sentimental cards followed by small gifts.  Next, we were off to Church.  So perfect was the day, I was even okay when we couldn’t sit in our usual seat-nothing was going to ruffle my feathers.  If you know me, being misplaced from my pew is a big deal-but I adapted.  I was so joyous that Marissa was home from college for the weekend and so elated we were all together at Church.  Scott had to leave midway through the service to head off to work but I so vividly remember him kissing to top of my head and whispering, “Happy Mother’s Day, I love you.”  I can still feel it if I close my eyes.  After Church, we headed home and tackled the yard that was springing with Spring!  It was the year’s maiden voyage for my lawn mower, complete with the new battery that Scott had given me as my gift.  Marissa and I pulled weeds, cleared brush and visited.  Scott came home that afternoon and Marissa went off to her boyfriend’s house to celebrate his mom.  I fell into bed that night exhausted and completely content in my day.  Proud to be the mom of the most beautiful, funny, perfect, flawed and wonderful children in the world.

Well, Scott died two weeks later and I am quickly approaching my fifth Mother’s Day sans Scott.  I have entered a new realm of not knowing how to celebrate Mother’s Day.  It feels like nothing will work and nothing will ever fulfill the desires of my heart.  There is a huge part of me that wants to skip it. Lock, stock, and barrel.  But, there is another part of me that doesn’t because I am the mom of two amazing kids.  But, that’s hard because if we go to brunch we are surrounded by families and I wonder what “could’ve been”.  People ask how many kids I have-that always results in awkward moments while I stumble through answering.  Usually,  I "bomb" their day by telling the truth- I've yet to master a good answer to that question. Marissa cares so deeply and tries so hard to honor me. I feel like I let her down when I cry or when I’m distracted wondering what we'd be doing if we were all together, it makes me feel like a failure.  

So, this year, she and I will do some small things together, maybe shop for her yard or get pedicures.  My yard is calling my name so maybe I’ll take my mower for a spin.  I will also pull out the last Mother’s Day card Scott gave me, a silly one with Wilma Flintstone, and put it on the mantle right next to the perfect card Marissa will give me.  Thankfully, experience tells me that I will find a “new perfect” way to celebrate-I just hope it doesn’t take me 18 years to find it. 

I have been asked what people can say to make the day better. 

Here are my do’s and don’t:

·       Do:  Speak my child’s name, it won’t make me cry any more or less but it will make me happy to know you are thinking of him and remembering him.

·       Do: Tell me Happy Mother’s Day, being a mom is my greatest accomplishment.

·       Don’t: Tell me you’re glad I have another child. 

·       Don’t: Please don't obsess about the day.  If a mom like me wants to celebrate-celebrate.  If she wants to skip it-that’s okay. 

·       Do:  Give me grace.  I may RSVP that I can come to your Mother’s Day event and then bail out.  Please forgive me and don’t make me feel any worse than I already do.

      Do:  Ask me to go to the movies or for a walk.