grace and Grace: Blessed by Life

Blessed by Life. Another Year in the Books.

It is the night before my 48^th birthday and I am sitting here in the quiet of my home thinking about the meaning of life.  For those of you who know me well, that could either mean I’m thinking about really deep, important things such as gender and race equality or the role God takes in my life; or something as superficial as what purse to carry tomorrow (a Disney Dooney, of course).  But, tonight my mind is unusually quiet and peaceful.  I’d love to share why I think it is and why I think it’s different this year.

Being born near Thanksgiving I HATED turkey and the big meal (except maybe the yummy stuffing and whipped cream)!  I REALLY didn’t like sharing my day with the whole family when it fell every few years on Thanksgiving. I think I was jealous of sharing “my day”.  As a matter of fact, when I had kids, I announced that each and every time my birthday fell on Thanksgiving, it would be our family tradition to take a trip to Disneyland.  I loved the special attention given to me on my birthday and as I got older my birthday became my birthday week, then my birthday month…I think I was headed towards celebrating my birthday season.  I loved the anticipation of what my gifts and cards would hold-the sentiments of love and friendship.  My birthday has always been wrapped up with Rich’s since his falls one week before mine.  He told me almost 30 years ago that the quality of my birthday was directly related to the quality of his so we always tried to “one up” the other.  It wasn’t about the gifts but about the anticipation and attention.  Not that it was bad or unhealthy it was just a time that I tended to think more about me than others. 

But, today the eve of 48, I’m reflecting on why I’ve not ripped open the birthday cards I’ve gotten in the mail so far.  It seems so strange and out of character-I am thrilled they are there but I want to wait.  Not once have I peeked, thought about steaming open the edges or even held them up to the light for a glimpse.  I am a self-confessed package peeker at Chistmas and I learned at a young age how to rewrap so my mom wouldn’t notice I’d peeked. But this year is different, oddly and pleasantly different. This year I want the day to unfold slowly and to see the cards tomorrow- it’s almost as if I’m content to just know they were sent.  Last weekend, I mentioned to Rich that I haven’t been interested in my usual “Birthday Round” of special dinners out and he said he had noticed... 

Tonight, I read a devotional that said to “be still and listen” so I did.  This is what I heard:

I have been so blessed in my 48 years that I don’t need any more gifts (Rich that doesn’t mean I don’t want that Disney Dooney just that I don’t NEED it to know you love me).  Happy thoughts have been plentiful tonight . I have the best daughter in the world, who even left me a special card before she embarked on her first European vacation this week.  I am pretty sure my mom would tell you I was NEVER that thoughtful or organized.  I have a husband that loves me through the good, the bad and the ugly.  Family and friends who have lifted me up from the depths of despair and held my hand and heart while I wept.  I have a job that I love that makes a difference in this world.  I love a son who isn’t living here anymore but taught me more about compassion, love and selflessness than people who have lived 300 times more than his 17 short years.

“Give and it will be given,” Luke 6:38 is my message for 2016. 

I receive this message as thus: 

·       I gave my heart to Rich and he has loved me far more than I ever thought I could be loved. 

·       I devoted myself to being the best parent I could be (bumps, warts, mistakes and all) and I was given the loveliest and most special children who have taught me far more than I would have known without them.  I am a better person for being their mom.

·       My parents taught me to give.  They showed me to volunteer at church- be the one who puts the chairs away.  In school, be the one who offers to clean the erasers (thank goodness that is a job no longer needed in this world).  I have been the recipient of such generous charity-there are not words to describe what has been given to me and my family.  My heart is humbled by what has been given to us.

·       I have shared Scott’s story of donation and my story through grief to help my heart process and heal.  Many women have come to share their stories with me and I have gained the courage and strength to stand tall, cry crocodile tears when I need to, speak Scott’s name when I want to and always know I am not alone. 

·       I was a friend to a few in my younger shy years.  As I’ve aged, I have learned to reach out to others. In return, countless others have reached out to me and touched my soul.  I am rich beyond the measure of a bank account.

But, the thing that I’ve received that I did not have to give anything for is grace.  My family has always shown grace but I have not always been grateful for it.  To me, grace is the ability to make mistakes and be forgiven.  The ability to say stupid things, apologize and be forgiven.  The fact that I can hurt feelings, be utterly and stupidly unaware but yet be forgiven when I am heartily sorry.  Wow, the examples I’ve experienced have woven a quilt of love in my heart that could fill the universe.

All of these ramblings are my attempt to show my gratitude for another year-but make me not feel impatient to celebrate “gifts”.  I have been given the biggest gift of all God’s Grace-flaws and all.  My sincerest wish to all is that you find grace and Grace before you are 48 years old.  That is doesn’t take the death of a son or mother to make you see them and appreciate them.

Toast today to life, grace, Grace and happiness.  Looking forward to seeing all my beautiful cards and notes tomorrow-I know it will be a beautiful day.