Gratitude...The Rest of November...My November Shadow

November started out so happy, I was busy with work and projects.  I thought I had a handle on the month’s activities!  I was FINALLY going to tackle the 30 days of gratitude.  And I was off….then it happened, just like the last two years.  I did celebrate and I am happy, I am looking forward to a crazy, loud and fun Thanksgiving with my family tomorrow.  But, it just seems so foreign; I feel like the past few weeks have been a dream, autopilot you might say!

I just had a shadow that I couldn’t shake.  Oh, November…Rich’s birthday, my birthday, Thanksgiving…oh and here comes Christmas.  The train is on the track, choo, choo!  Okay, about the 10^th I pulled it together and chose to look up.  We gathered a group of friends together to celebrate Rich’s birthday at Farrell’s.  It was a surprise and I delighted in seeing his cute face light up when he saw the group!  He wore the monkey hat, we did the Macarena and we ate the Zoo.  It was a wonderful night filled with love, laughter and LIFE!  Keep on trucking I told myself.  Disneyland is on the horizon for MY birthday in the Happiest Place on Earth!

Well, we loaded up the car, Marissa and a whole lot of junk food! We were off!  Disneyland is magical but I just didn’t feel “it”.  My usual running for the Parade, singing every song was missing.  My head was swimming, I was lethargic, and I petered out.  The next morning, I understood!  I was SICK!  A full blown, head hurts, nose runs, body aches and chest burns COLD- I had gotten Rich’s cold.  I sent Rich and Marissa into Disneyland because I was too sick to go.  Literally, I only lifted my head off the pillow a few times that day and it was my BIRTHDAY!  I was so relieved to know that was what was causing my lack of pixie dust!  

Then one of the best things of my birthday happened!  My amazing husband and daughter let me choose dinner, nothing fancy- I wanted but good ol’ comfort food, Olive Garden.  Ravioli’s, salad and breadsticks would make me better.  A nice night in a strange Olive Garden, hundreds of miles from home felt “normal”.  Then, we took Marissa to the airport to send her back home.  She hugged me goodbye and said she was so glad she came even if I was sick.  She didn’t hate me that I ruined her trip too…what a girl I have.  Gratitude oozing from my bosom, we left.  In silence, Rich and I drove away, feeling blue that she was leaving to go home.  Hating that “empty feeling” and having some unrealistic fears.  Slightly better from my afternoon of sleep, Rich took me to Disneyland, just to walk around and wait for the fireworks show.  SPECTACULAR to see the castle in all its lights and glory but then as the fireworks whizzed by and lit up the sky, maybe I found “it” again.  Then as the Christmas song, “I’ll be home for Christmas” played in the show, I wept.  Damn it-Joy and Sorrow in the same 60 seconds! My amazing and understanding husband just hugged me and let me wipe my tears on his shoulder.  No words have to be said…I am so lucky.

So, one more birthday day on our trip and I still couldn’t find my Pixie Dust in Disneyland…where was it?  I am still under the weather, that must be it, the lingering trails of my cold.   But, today…after we had driven home, I realized it wasn’t there at all, I had gone to Disneyland (and probably will forever) to find “home”, the happiest place on earth.  I want to relive all the great trips we had ALL together for my birthday.  How did this all reveal itself to me?  In the lyrics of a Miranda Lambert song, 

            “I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
                this brokenness inside me might start healing.
                Out here it’s like I'm someone else,
                I thought that maybe I could find myself
                if I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
                Won't take nothing but a memory
                from the house that built me.”

Duh, I was trying to go back…to touch Scott:  to touch his face, hear him breathe, rub his curly hair, smell his sweaty shoulder pads or cleats see his laughter or taste his wonderful baking on Thanksgiving.  That is what November has been for me…that was the shadow following me!  Scott, I know you are right around the corner!  Not in the Happiest Place on Earth but in the Happiest Place of ALL!  

So I began my 30 days of Gratitude by talking about my “roots” and today I end a little early with “my” family, Rich the world’s most wonderfully patient husband; Marissa, the most amazing, loving and caring daughter; and Scott, the greatest son God could have given me to care for.  In between please forgive my lapse, there are more people than I could possibly list to whom I owe a wealth of gratitude…please know I am appreciative.  But, mostly, I am thankful for a November full of emotions that led me to reflect on the gifts given here and the promises for forever…I am moving on from November into December.  I will celebrate the promises of forever but I will honor and respect and appreciate every tear that falls too.  I am thankful for the shadow that follows me too.

Gratitude Day 2: Grandparents

Those who laid the foundation for my journey: Grandparents-I have a bonus set!

I must have some pretty fantastic grandparents to have the parents I do!  I don’t think I celebrate them nearly as much as a should although I often think about them and love to tell people that I still have 4 LIVING grandparents!  That means my kids have 4 LIVING GREAT grandparents, and they are great!  Now, many of you reading this will assume that this means all my grandparents are still living but they are not, my mom’s parents are in Heaven with her.  My grandfather met my Mom there when she arrived as and together they greeted my Granny and Scott!  This post could take days to write but no one would want that so here are a few brief thoughts on them all!

Granny:   

The Birthday Cake

My granny was one of the funniest, sweetest and hard working women I have EVER met.  She was a farmer’s wife, she had to be.  She was a wonderful cook, baker but mostly she was the best Granny!  One summer, Jake and I stayed in Washington for seven weeks and my Granny and Grandpa shared custody with Grandpa Joe and Grandma Martha.  Jake and I had never lived on a farm and often found ourselves bored and alone.  Granny was a cook at the Elks lodge then and when she had work to do we got to go to town to help. 

Granny and Jake at Granny's

Helping her meant setting the tables (I will NEVER forget what side of the plate the silverware goes on), putting salad dressing in containers and then sitting on a stool just talking to her.  I can still hear her voice in my ear telling me to hand her this or hand her that.  I can also feel her fingers cold to the touch placing a few dollars in my hand and telling me to run on down to Funks and find something to keep me occupied.  Jake and I must have rotted our teeth that summer with candy and blown hundreds of bubbles with that gunk that came in a tube with a straw.  Hanging out with Granny, driving back and forth to town and listening to her visit and gossip in that small town way is the reason I moved to a small town.  I wanted to be like her.  

Grandpa: 

My grandpa fought some personal battles much of his life, my mom always said that the grandpa I knew was not the same man he was when she was little.  I got glimpse of the man my mom loved so much sometimes (tender, loving and clear headed) but often he seemed distant, clouded and lonely.  I think I may have some small understanding to his brokenness now, you see my Granny and Grandpa lost two children, one a very small baby and my Mom’s older brother, Michael.  I get how someone could break or hide behind addictions following something like that.  But, on to happier memories for me. ..My grandpa had a big red recliner in the front room with an ashtray always next to it that stood off the floor. I think it had a chrome greyhound as the top handle.  Anyway, one year we were visiting for Thanksgiving and my birthday (which occasionally falls on that day).  Anyway, I was being a pill, basically just a big brat because I hated sharing MY day with everyone.  Well, my grandpa told me to come and sit on his lap and tell him about it.  When I did, he laughed and told me that everyone was coming for my birthday not some old Turkey and then told me a secret in my ear (That Granny and Mommy were making me a cake) but I couldn’t tell anyone he told me or Granny would make us go to bed without dinner.  So, he and I sat and watched some western on TV like Bonanza and I got to believe I was the center of the world for that day!  

Grandpa Joe: 

Well, let me start by asking this, doesn’t everyone have the fire chief and all around good guy as a grandpa?  Grandpa Joe is one of the most patient, loving men I have ever, ever met in my life.  He and my Grandma Martha were married the same year as my parents so I never really realized that not everyone had 6 grandparents.  I was much older when I understood things and I am so wonderfully delighted that our blended family has come together for family reunions and love not every family can accomplish that!  Every visit to Albion always included a trip to the fire house to sit in the trucks, a trip (or 12) to the shop for a candy bar and a pop.  When I first took Rich to Albion and he met Grandpa, he tried for YEARS to convince me to move to Albion and he could take over the shop when Grandpa finally retired-that is how much Gpa Joe is loved!  Oh, my favorite memory of Grandpa Joe is his tirelessly trying to teach me to water ski.  They had a place on Lake Coeur d'Alene long before it was a “destination” and we had great visits there fishing and being in Grandpa’s boat!  Anyway, for days we were in the water-one ski, two skis, from the dock, from the water-every which way to try and get me up.  He had to be so tired and we must have wasted so much gas but he never gave up.  Each try he would say, “You’ll get it this time.”  While I didn’t until our next trip, his love and patience developed a my deep love of being in a boat but more than that it gave me the feeling that no matter how hard something was to keep trying. And, I the knowledge that he knew I could do anything convinced me I could too!

Grandma Martha:  

Grandma Martha is one of the most thoughtful gift givers I have ever had in my life.  She started a few “collections” for me over the years.  She started sending me music boxes when I was very small and each one she would tell me why she picked it.  A special song or a memory she was reminded of when she saw it.  I still have a few of them, one is a little boy and girl on a teeter-totter. They go up and down as it spins.  Grandma Martha told me that it reminded me of Jake and I in the park at Albion before we would try to throw each other off.  One of the biggest impacts Gma had on my life is music.  We shared that, my parents aren’t musical but she played the organ and piano-so wonderfully!  She taught me to play a few songs that summer we stayed there.  We learned to play “Alley Cat”, “Fur Elise” and a few other church songs.  I can sit down at the piano still to this day and feel her whispering in my ears the next note and to teaching me about meter and dynamics.  Gma Martha suffers from dementia today but recently my aunt posted a story about a caretaker sitting her down at the piano and putting some sheet music before her.  She played it, even though she hadn’t sat at the keyboard for ages, she played!  Music speaks to the soul, she didn’t remember playing later that day but for a few minutes her soul was singing as she made music-I just know it!

Grandpa Walt:  

 If you know my dad, you know my grandpa.  They are two of the finest men who have ever walked this earth without a doubt.  My grandpa used to drive he and Grandma Jewel across the country every summer after they retired.  From Atlanta to California and then to Washington to visit all of the relatives along the way.  It was awesome; my kids looked forward to seeing them every year as did Rich and I.  Because they lived in Atlanta and we lived in California I didn’t get a chance to know him well until I was an adult.  Wow, what a brain that guy has-ask him about politics in the 30’s, 40’s 50’s up until today and he can give you perspective that will make you really consider your stance on things.  One year, when Rich and I bought our first house, Grandpa Walt and my dad made us a fireplace mantle.  A few years later (remember he had been retired for YEARS) they put wood floors in Scott’s room because his allergies and asthma were being made worse by the carpet.  When I first talked to Grandpa Walt after Scott’s accident, he said to me, “Oh honey, I am so sorry.  I know I can’t do anything but I am so very, very sorry.”  You know those people who you can hear the sincerity in their voice, he has it.  I got to visit my grandparents in Atlanta for the first time last year (age 90 and 87-I think) and when you are arriving at home of your 90 year old grandparents you aren’t sure what you are in for.  But, I was in for a lovely time visiting, listening to stories about how they ended up in Atlanta years before but mostly drinking in the love they have for their family.  When I got up to leave the next morning long before dawn to catch my flight there they were in the driveway waving to me as I drove away.  Wow, I hope I can pass that love onto my grandchildren someday.

Grandma Jewell:   (Picture loading too slow...will post tomorrow again)

I love my Grandma Jewel too!  While I don’t love any of my grandparents more or less than another, I have very unique relationships with all of them!  Grandma Jewel my favorite puzzle grandma.  Each year before their trip to California Mom and I would go and pick out a few new puzzles for her to work on while she was visiting.  She and I would sit for hours and put the edges together and talk about the kids.  She would always tell me about what all my Aunts and cousins were doing in Washington and Atlanta.  Did I mention that I still make my Grandma Jewel’s lasagna (well, her recipe has cottage cheese and I use ricotta) but I do that recipe because she and I made it one year on her trip together for dinner.  I loved watching her show me how to brown the meat and how to keep the noodles from sticking together (I still fail at this). Everyone should be so lucky as to have a Grandma Jewel to provide solid, sound advice!

Day 3:  People who give of themselves.

Grateful-Day 1: The Very Beginning of My Journey

For the past two years I have seen so many people posting gratitude's during the month of November and I realized today that I could combine two things in one.  My desire to write a blog (or in this case 30 blogs) about the people who have helped me find my path on my journey.  I have about 15 drafts in my blog where I try to start and then realize there are so many who have been part of this life that I can't ever do them all justice in one.  Now, I have 30!  I still will only tip the iceberg but maybe it will lead to others over the year.

November 1st 2013:  The very beginning of my Journey

I have to begin my journey when I was born.  I was born into a family filled with love, emotion, compassion and parents who taught me to work hard and never give up.  They introduced me to God and showed me to turn to Him always.  Not it a shout from the roof top way but in the "They Will Know We are Christians By Our Love."  (To here it click here.)  I can remember being at Church when we were kids and my mom playing guitar in the Folk Mass to this song.  I still have her music book from this group and this song always makes me smile.

My Dad:

• Most valuable lesson from my dad, "I will love you no matter what, support you no matter what but you can't move back home".   My dad told me this the night I told my parents I was expecting Marissa and wasn't sure if Rich was going to present or not.  While many people may think this is harsh my Dad knew what I needed.  I learned to be strong for Marissa first and then everything else will fall into place. I also learned that you can love your children unconditionally while they struggle to figure "it" out. 
• Funniest moment with my dad:  So many to choose from, those of you who know my dad knows he is witty, sometimes sarcastic (apple falls near to the tree) and very quick on his feet.  I think one of the funniest things I remember him doing was answering our telephone "Kelly's Mortuary, you stab them, we slab them."  He did it once on a whim when the phone was ringing after dinner and we all laughed hysterically as the person on the other end said, "I am sorry, I think I called the wrong number."  I think it may have been a ploy to keep boys from calling our house!  He also used, "Kelly's Pool Hall, we rack 'em you stack 'em!

My Mom:

• Most valuable lesson:  Anything is possible through God and hard work.  When my mom died she had 13 years of sobriety under her belt.  She attended meetings regularly because she knew she had to do her part to stay sober.  She taught me that I needed to "keep my side of the street clean" in my relationships because I always have a part in things.  It is never one persons fault completely.  Take responsibility for things, make amends and move forward. When my mom was sick with cancer she fought so hard and never gave up. She told the oncologist that she "will see all her grandchildren" and she kept fighting despite chemo, radiation, surgery and horrendous side effects from meds.  After 3 cancer free years when she became sick again, she fought hard until her body was tired.  I looked into her eyes and said goodbye to her that day, I know she was grateful to be at peace, meeting Jesus and seeing her Dad and brother, Michael, again. 
• Best Gift from my Mom:  Grief won't kill me, it may feel like, it but it won't kill me.  For years after my mom died in 2004 I pleaded to God to explain to me why she was taken at 59 years old.  I was sad, bitter and sometimes angry!  There were so many people in our life who don't take care of themselves, don't love as they should or are just plain warts on society.  But my Mom was beautiful, kind and radiated love from every pore in her body!  Gradually, I accepted that "someday" the why will be revealed. I always assumed that day would be when I got to heaven.  However, on May 18, 2011 as Rich, Marissa and I surround Scott in the hospital and held his hand, knowing his spirit was already in Heaven with God and my mom, I had the moment of clarity.  I turned to Rich and said, "I know why my Mom died when she did now.  It was so she would be there to greet Scott and so that I know I can survive this."  

I can't talk about starting my journey in life without telling you about Jake.  Jake is my biggest defender and THE most irritating brother in the world. 

• Lessons from Jake: I learned to make compromises and NEVER, EVER say, "Yes, I want to play 52 card pick up" even when he promises to help me pick them up.  
• Always be dependable:  As our teen age years came and went Jake and I went our different ways but I always knew he was there if I ever needed him.  He was the 2nd person I told about Marissa (Rich was the first) and he said, "I am here if you need anything."  
• Added bonus from Jake:  My sister-in-law, Jill!  Jake and Jill, loved my kids as only an aunt and uncle can and let my kids visit them long before they ever had my nephew, Max.  They took them to the San Diego Fair, Legoland, the Beach, hiking and just let them hang out like "big kids".  Jill and I have also pulled some wonderful pranks (which will remain unpublished for fear of retaliation) over the years!  She is my partner in family crime.
• Biggest blessing from Jake: I will never forget my conversation with Jake on May 17, 2011 at about 6:00pm.  I called him to tell him that Scott had been in an accident and would most likely not survive.  Jake was in either Michigan or Wisconsin on a business trip and he said, "I am on my way.  I don't know how quickly but I am on my way."  Jake was there about midnight that same night,  I still don't know how he made that happen so quickly.  Jake was a voice of reason when I couldn't process things, when I hadn't left the hospital in a few days, he was the one I trusted to sit with Scott while Rich and I went home to shower.  I knew he would take care of Scott as if he was his own.  For this, I am so grateful.  In the weeks, months and years since Scott's death Jake still calls and checks in on me.  He is always the logical one I can bounce legal issues surrounding Scott's accident off-since I am rarely the logical one between the two of us.  I like to think that I have learned to be more grounded from Jake and to stay focused.

Coming up tomorrow:  Those who laid the foundation for my journey.

My Favorite Month

August is the best month in a year!  I used to think so, recently I have been wondering...

When I was a kid I loved August.  It was hot, but school would be starting soon and I loved the idea of new classmates (or students when I taught).  The smell of new school supplies, new shoes for the year and a few new outfits.  It also meant nervous jitters and that summer was almost over and that meant bedtimes would be enforced again but I always thought it was worth the tradeoff.  One of the highlights in August was (and is) the birthday of my one and only sibling, Jake.  What made that day so special for me is that my mom always let us choose EXACTLY what we wanted for our birthday dinner (well, unless my birthday fell on Thanksgiving which led to my long standing hate of that holiday-but that is another blog).  My mom was a stay at home mom until we were in junior and senior high school so it wasn’t strange for us to have yummy smells wafting through the house but birthdays were extra special.  Not only did we get dinner but we got dessert, any kind of cake we wanted.  I have great memories of watching Jake blow out his candles and waiting till after to open his presents.  My mom loved to see the look on our face and used to tell me about a special castle cake she once made from a newspaper article.  She said it was a disaster and after that she stuck to “plain ol’ layer” cakes.  Really, plain?  They were always made from scratch with love and care and delicious goodness.  After she passed and I got her recipes, I found the article with the castle cake!  I can’t believe she tried it given the tools they had back in the “olden days” of the early 60's!  So, my love affair with August continued until college and beyond.  

In 1990 I had my own wonderful “birth day” to celebrate.  Marissa (all 9lbs7ozs of her) arrived on August 2^nd and then three years later Scott (8lbs15ozs) came screaming into the world on the 24^th of August.  From the time Marissa was one I loved spending all of July planning her celebration and then when Scott came along we always did 3 celebrations, one for Marissa, one for both of them with the family and then one for Scott.  We had detective parties, sweet sixteen, Star Wars (with Pod Racing), baseball themed, rock climbing, sports themed, Little Mermaid, jet skiing, Fifties, Sixties (complete with tie-dye), boating on the river for a surprise party, Thomas the Train and Six Flags, plus a few more that are mushing together.  In addition to all the parties there is ALWAYS a whatever their heart desires for dinner and dessert night too.  Usually, on their actual birthday!  

From the time Marissa could talk, I would ask her what she wanted for dinner and what sort of cake she wanted.  When I didn’t know how to make the cake I read books (internet was new when she was a baby and thank goodness because I don’t think I could make cakes like they do today!).  I had every Wilton character pan for YEARS and they ate up lots of cabinet space.  I sold them all a few years ago except the Barbie pan (because Marissa wanted a reprise of that one for her 16^th party).  And as the kids grew their cake tastes became more foodie and less character in nature.   Marissa’s staple birthday cake is Pineapple Upside Down cake and Scott’s (and Matt’s too) is Red Velvet Cake.  Although, this year I am making Apple Pie since it was his favorite ALL YEAR long.  

Dinner choices varied widely over the years as sometimes the kids wanted to eat out someplace special.  Like the year that Scott insisted that he wanted Lobster for dinner and so we loaded everyone up and drove to Sacramento for Red Lobster.  Just to see Scott pick at his and lean over to me and say, “I don’t really think I like lobster.”  I rolled with laughter and he filled up on cheese biscuits and he learned to never try anything new on your birthday. The next day he asked me to make him dinner so he could have another real Birthday dinner, we had roast with all the trimmings.  The funny thing is that I think that may be the ONLY food Scott never liked.  Some his favorite bday dinners included pulled pork, steak, duck (dinner out-I don’t cook duck), tortillas, grilled onions, almost every vegetable, giant hamburgers and BACON, anything with bacon.  Even though Marissa is married and owns her own home the ritual is still the same, “what do you want for your birthday dinner?”  This year I had the joy of making her French dip, complete with homemade au jus and toasted rolls.  She also wanted asparagus and kale chips. Marissa’s meal almost always includes beef!  I can’t think of one dinner that didn’t have beef.   I have to say that even though I don’t cook often since Scott’s accident I find such joy in creating happiness on plate for my family and dinner was perfect.  Plus, we were joined by my dad and Joyce so it was a beautiful day and way to kick off the month.   

It was an August high~

As we moved past Marissa’s birthday I was blue, Scott’s day was around the corner and I didn’t have a plan to keep focused.  I thought this year I would be “okay” then I thought if I was okay everyone was okay and no one would remember him.  A grieving parent’s worst fear.  There was no big joint celebration to hold and I couldn’t hear what Scott wanted to have so I sank into a greyness that can be described as cloudy with a chance of rain.  I wondered if I would ever love August again.  Can I find joy when Scott isn’t here to join me? I struggled.  Is this the year no one will remember him, everyone else is moving on and he isn’t, he is no longer part of peoples life, etc.  But, after the “big cry” that comes before every milestone.  The one complete with two days of swollen, blood shot eyes and broken capillaries on my face (you know, I am not as young as I once was) I turned the corner.  I heard a woman, Danea Horn, speak and say that “why me” is not a healthy place.  I know this to be true but hearing it from another helped me reframe my present.  Be grateful for what I have don't concentrate on what I don’t or can’t.  I have redirected myself thousands of times over the past 2 years, 3 months and 6 days but I had suddenly gotten stuck there.  You see, Danea has suffered health crisis after health crisis since birth and is now on the kidney waiting list but she talks and writes about Chronic Resilience. 

I sat back in my chair at the restaurant and said, “Thank you Lord.  I knew you would speak to me.”  The very next day, I got an email from Rich’s cousin’s wife; Michelle that Scott’s cousins had found rugby.  She said she couldn’t help but think that since Scott’s birthday was just around the corner he had a hand in their finding the sport.  They live in Texas, never saw him play but found it anyway.  Then we went to planning the food for Scott’s birthday!  Joy, cooking for my family and celebrating life, not death will be my focus.    We are having, in his honor, Pulled Pork (with the Red Bull/Coke Sauce-which I developed for him), Vidalia onions on the bbq, asparagus, homemade rolls (maybe-Scott was my baker so I am using his recipe and hoping for the best) and Apple Pie with ice cream. 

I wonder what you have in Heaven on your birthday.  We will gather as a family and tell stories about him but I know he will be in heaven celebrating the 6477 days, 15 hours, 54 minutes he spent with us here before going to Heaven!  With him will be his Grammy, great grandparents, and all the brothers and sisters he has met there like Travis B., Ben, Michael, Travis F., Nora, Jimmy, my friend Clarisse’s dad (tearing up and leaving dollars around) and more like Quinn, Jesse, Molly, Timothy and Todd plus so many, many more!  I know they are together sharing the journey just like their parents are here together sharing the journey.  I hope they like to eat like you do!  Like a 6 year old waiting for Christmas morning, I wait for the time we can all celebrate together again. 

So, do I think August is still the best month?  I do!  I get to celebrate Marissa, I get to celebrate Scott and I get to continue to attempt to leave a positive mark on this world.  Like all the people I admire (which i tried to name here and ran out of space). So, go out and enjoy the last few days of the best month of the year!

If you think of it, do a random act of kindness in celebration of Scott!  We will be!