Gratitude...The Rest of November...My November Shadow

November started out so happy, I was busy with work and projects.  I thought I had a handle on the month’s activities!  I was FINALLY going to tackle the 30 days of gratitude.  And I was off….then it happened, just like the last two years.  I did celebrate and I am happy, I am looking forward to a crazy, loud and fun Thanksgiving with my family tomorrow.  But, it just seems so foreign; I feel like the past few weeks have been a dream, autopilot you might say!

I just had a shadow that I couldn’t shake.  Oh, November…Rich’s birthday, my birthday, Thanksgiving…oh and here comes Christmas.  The train is on the track, choo, choo!  Okay, about the 10^th I pulled it together and chose to look up.  We gathered a group of friends together to celebrate Rich’s birthday at Farrell’s.  It was a surprise and I delighted in seeing his cute face light up when he saw the group!  He wore the monkey hat, we did the Macarena and we ate the Zoo.  It was a wonderful night filled with love, laughter and LIFE!  Keep on trucking I told myself.  Disneyland is on the horizon for MY birthday in the Happiest Place on Earth!

Well, we loaded up the car, Marissa and a whole lot of junk food! We were off!  Disneyland is magical but I just didn’t feel “it”.  My usual running for the Parade, singing every song was missing.  My head was swimming, I was lethargic, and I petered out.  The next morning, I understood!  I was SICK!  A full blown, head hurts, nose runs, body aches and chest burns COLD- I had gotten Rich’s cold.  I sent Rich and Marissa into Disneyland because I was too sick to go.  Literally, I only lifted my head off the pillow a few times that day and it was my BIRTHDAY!  I was so relieved to know that was what was causing my lack of pixie dust!  

Then one of the best things of my birthday happened!  My amazing husband and daughter let me choose dinner, nothing fancy- I wanted but good ol’ comfort food, Olive Garden.  Ravioli’s, salad and breadsticks would make me better.  A nice night in a strange Olive Garden, hundreds of miles from home felt “normal”.  Then, we took Marissa to the airport to send her back home.  She hugged me goodbye and said she was so glad she came even if I was sick.  She didn’t hate me that I ruined her trip too…what a girl I have.  Gratitude oozing from my bosom, we left.  In silence, Rich and I drove away, feeling blue that she was leaving to go home.  Hating that “empty feeling” and having some unrealistic fears.  Slightly better from my afternoon of sleep, Rich took me to Disneyland, just to walk around and wait for the fireworks show.  SPECTACULAR to see the castle in all its lights and glory but then as the fireworks whizzed by and lit up the sky, maybe I found “it” again.  Then as the Christmas song, “I’ll be home for Christmas” played in the show, I wept.  Damn it-Joy and Sorrow in the same 60 seconds! My amazing and understanding husband just hugged me and let me wipe my tears on his shoulder.  No words have to be said…I am so lucky.

So, one more birthday day on our trip and I still couldn’t find my Pixie Dust in Disneyland…where was it?  I am still under the weather, that must be it, the lingering trails of my cold.   But, today…after we had driven home, I realized it wasn’t there at all, I had gone to Disneyland (and probably will forever) to find “home”, the happiest place on earth.  I want to relive all the great trips we had ALL together for my birthday.  How did this all reveal itself to me?  In the lyrics of a Miranda Lambert song, 

            “I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
                this brokenness inside me might start healing.
                Out here it’s like I'm someone else,
                I thought that maybe I could find myself
                if I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
                Won't take nothing but a memory
                from the house that built me.”

Duh, I was trying to go back…to touch Scott:  to touch his face, hear him breathe, rub his curly hair, smell his sweaty shoulder pads or cleats see his laughter or taste his wonderful baking on Thanksgiving.  That is what November has been for me…that was the shadow following me!  Scott, I know you are right around the corner!  Not in the Happiest Place on Earth but in the Happiest Place of ALL!  

So I began my 30 days of Gratitude by talking about my “roots” and today I end a little early with “my” family, Rich the world’s most wonderfully patient husband; Marissa, the most amazing, loving and caring daughter; and Scott, the greatest son God could have given me to care for.  In between please forgive my lapse, there are more people than I could possibly list to whom I owe a wealth of gratitude…please know I am appreciative.  But, mostly, I am thankful for a November full of emotions that led me to reflect on the gifts given here and the promises for forever…I am moving on from November into December.  I will celebrate the promises of forever but I will honor and respect and appreciate every tear that falls too.  I am thankful for the shadow that follows me too.