I am an expert on something I never wanted to be, a grieving parent. Far too often, people think my journey has authorized me to tell them how to talk to other people "in our shoes". While I try to give good, solid answers I can't. There is not another Scott in the world so I don't really KNOW what to say to another grieving parent. But, I do know how to give hope that there will be tomorrows not overflowing with choking sorrow.
I do know what NOT to say. Don't ever say, "my grandmother died last year so I know how you feel" or "God must have taken him/her home because something worse was going to happen to him here on earth"; or "I am so glad he didn't suffer;" or "Have you gotten over it yet?" None of those things help, even when they are well meant. If you find someone who is a newly grieving parent just be with them, sit quietly and let them cry or talk. Don't worry when they fall back and forth into present tense and past tense, we are not confused or forgetting that our child is gone. We are just trying on the new reality that fits like pants which are 10 sizes too small. Tell them stories like this, "Last month, Scott did xyz" or I remember laughing so hard when Scott said "this". Tell someone, "I am sorry, can I just sit with you for a few minutes?" Oh, another thing you can do is cry, when you cry it doesn't make us sadder, it actually makes us glad that you care so deeply. That our child made an impact. In the days, months and years that pass, please let us know when a funny memory pops in to your brain! We LOVE these glimpses and we love to know our child has not been forgotten.
What about when someone who you are just getting to know you tells you they lost a child? Don't panic, they are not trying to gain sympathy (they are surrounded by it) they are just telling you about one of the wrinkles in their life's fabric. It is a bump that can feel smooth one minute and the next minute it feels messy like linen slacks on hot an humid day. Too often, when I say, "My son, Scott, died in a car accident in May of 2011", people gasp. I know this is natural because they fear what I live but I don't know if people realize they do this. It always makes my heart sink because they are thinking about the unthinkable. My usual response is, "It"s okay, I will see him again! I miss him but I know he is doing great!" As the time marches on, I have learned to get up almost everyday and say "Praise be to God for Scott is safe in Heaven" and to see the beauty in the world again. But, that doesn't mean that I am not "ambushed" by my sorrow and emptiness sometimes. Don't be afraid when I utter, "Scott moment" and sit in reflection (tears) for a little while. Know that I am trusting you with my most precious gift, a glimpse into my soul.
Some people may be wondering why I mention Scott to people who are new to me. I do it because children who have died are still part of the parents, siblings, grandparents and friends left behind. I want people to know Scott just like I tell them about the things Matt and Marissa are busy doing. How many times are you introduced to a child or spouse of a coworker and you say, "I feel like I already know you because your mom talks about you all the time." I talk about Scott whenever I think of something he did or some funny thing he said and it applies to a situation at hand. For example, if you are talking about your teenager eating you out of house and home I will say, "Man, I was glad when Scott got hired at Raley's because it meant we got a discount on our groceries." Or, I might say, "Scott and his friend Kris could eat everything I had in the freezer for the next week in one 24 hour period!" I talk about Scott living not that he died.
I hope when my friends get to Heaven they will say to Scott, "I feel like I have known you forever, your mom told me how funny are!" Scott lived for 17 years 8 months and 26 days but he died one day. I want the days he lived remembered not just the fact that he died.
No comments:
Post a Comment