Mother’s Day for this Mom
“I forgot you even had two kids.” Really?!?! You tell me this less than one week before Mother's Day?!?! Perfect timing.
Well, maybe it is because writing my feelings down will help me be prepared...yeah, right.
Mother’s Day has so many emotions for this mom it’s hard to
track them all-it’s like a Hot Wheel track with jumps and loop-d-loops on
steroids! Before I had kids, it was all
about my mom. I tried in my own way to
make special gifts and do special things.
Then, when I had kids I put all sorts of crazy expectations on my
husband and kids to make the day “just right”.
In 2004, my Mom died about a month before Mother’s Day, it was a hard
year to celebrate. I missed my mom so
dearly but my kids and husband did a beautiful job celebrating and honoring me
while allowing my tears to fall throughout the day. For about 18 years of motherhood, I struggled
to find just the right recipe for a fun, restful and perfect day. It was great when I balanced the guilt,
anxiety, joy, disappointment, fear, and all the other feelings surrounding this
day-when I knew I didn’t have to have the perfect day, just “my perfect” day.
As I became older and wiser (hahaha), I finally had Mother’s
Day handled. I made my plans, simple or
complicated and told everyone what I wanted so and ended my hurt feelings or
missed targets. As a matter of fact,
Mother’s Day 2011 WAS “my perfect” day.
I told the kids I wanted to go to church and do yard work for my
celebration, followed by a low key dinner.
The day began with funny and sentimental cards followed by small gifts. Next, we were off to Church. So perfect was the day, I was even okay when
we couldn’t sit in our usual seat-nothing was going to ruffle my feathers. If you know me, being misplaced from my pew
is a big deal-but I adapted. I was so
joyous that Marissa was home from college for the weekend and so elated we were
all together at Church. Scott had to
leave midway through the service to head off to work but I so vividly remember
him kissing to top of my head and whispering, “Happy Mother’s Day, I love
you.” I can still feel it if I close my
eyes. After Church, we headed home and
tackled the yard that was springing with Spring! It was the year’s maiden voyage for my lawn
mower, complete with the new battery that Scott had given me as my gift. Marissa and I pulled weeds, cleared brush and
visited. Scott came home that afternoon
and Marissa went off to her boyfriend’s house to celebrate his mom. I fell into bed that night exhausted and
completely content in my day. Proud to be the mom of the most beautiful, funny, perfect, flawed and wonderful children in the world.
Well, Scott died two weeks later and I am quickly
approaching my fifth Mother’s Day sans Scott.
I have entered a new realm of not knowing how to celebrate Mother’s
Day. It feels like nothing will work and
nothing will ever fulfill the desires of my heart. There is a huge part of me that wants to skip
it. Lock, stock, and barrel. But, there
is another part of me that doesn’t because I am the mom of two amazing kids. But, that’s hard because if we go to
brunch we are surrounded by families and I wonder what “could’ve been”. People ask how many kids I have-that always results in awkward moments while I stumble through answering. Usually, I "bomb" their day by telling the truth- I've yet to master a good answer to that question. Marissa cares so deeply and tries so hard to honor me. I feel
like I let her down when I cry or when I’m distracted wondering what we'd be doing if we were all together, it makes me feel like a
failure.
So, this year, she and I will
do some small things together, maybe shop for her yard or get pedicures. My yard is calling my name so maybe I’ll take
my mower for a spin. I will also pull
out the last Mother’s Day card Scott gave me, a silly one with Wilma Flintstone,
and put it on the mantle right next to the perfect card Marissa will give
me. Thankfully, experience tells me that I will
find a “new perfect” way to celebrate-I just hope it doesn’t take me 18 years
to find it.
I have been asked what people can say to make the day
better.
Here are my do’s and don’t:
·
Do: Speak
my child’s name, it won’t make me cry any more or less but it will make me
happy to know you are thinking of him and remembering him.
·
Do: Tell me Happy Mother’s Day, being a mom is
my greatest accomplishment.
·
Don’t: Tell me you’re glad I have another child.
·
Don’t: Please don't obsess about the day. If a mom like me wants to
celebrate-celebrate. If she wants to
skip it-that’s okay.
·
Do: Give
me grace. I may RSVP that I can come to
your Mother’s Day event and then bail out.
Please forgive me and don’t make me feel any worse than I already do.
Do: Ask me to go to the movies or for a walk.
