Blessed by Life. Another Year in the Books.
It is the night before my 48th birthday and I am
sitting here in the quiet of my home thinking about the meaning of life. For those of you who know me well, that could
either mean I’m thinking about really deep, important things such as gender and
race equality or the role God takes in my life; or something as superficial as
what purse to carry tomorrow (a Disney Dooney, of course). But, tonight my mind is unusually quiet and
peaceful. I’d love to share why I think
it is and why I think it’s different this year.
Being born near Thanksgiving I HATED turkey and the big meal
(except maybe the yummy stuffing and whipped cream)! I REALLY didn’t like sharing my day with the
whole family when it fell every few years on Thanksgiving. I think I was
jealous of sharing “my day”. As a matter
of fact, when I had kids, I announced that each and every time my birthday fell
on Thanksgiving, it would be our family tradition to take a trip to Disneyland. I loved the special attention given to me on
my birthday and as I got older my birthday became my birthday week, then my
birthday month…I think I was headed towards celebrating my birthday
season. I loved the anticipation of what
my gifts and cards would hold-the sentiments of love and friendship. My birthday has always been wrapped
up with Rich’s since his falls one week before mine. He told me almost 30 years ago that the
quality of my birthday was directly related to the quality of his so we always
tried to “one up” the other. It wasn’t
about the gifts but about the anticipation and attention. Not that it was bad or unhealthy it was just
a time that I tended to think more about me than others.
But, today the eve of 48, I’m reflecting on why I’ve not
ripped open the birthday cards I’ve gotten in the mail so far. It seems so strange and out of character-I am
thrilled they are there but I want to wait.
Not once have I peeked, thought about steaming open the edges or even
held them up to the light for a glimpse.
I am a self-confessed package peeker at Chistmas and I learned at a
young age how to rewrap so my mom wouldn’t notice I’d peeked. But this year is different,
oddly and pleasantly different. This year I want the day to unfold slowly and
to see the cards tomorrow- it’s almost as if I’m content to just know they were
sent. Last weekend, I mentioned to Rich
that I haven’t been interested in my usual “Birthday Round” of special dinners
out and he said he had noticed...
Tonight, I read a devotional that said to “be still and listen” so I did. This is what I heard:
I have been so blessed in my 48 years that I don’t need any more
gifts (Rich that doesn’t mean I don’t want that Disney Dooney just that I don’t
NEED it to know you love me). Happy thoughts have been plentiful tonight . I have the best daughter in the world,
who even left me a special card before she embarked on her first European
vacation this week. I am pretty sure my
mom would tell you I was NEVER that thoughtful or organized. I have a husband that loves me through the
good, the bad and the ugly. Family and
friends who have lifted me up from the depths of despair and held my hand and
heart while I wept. I have a job that I
love that makes a difference in this world.
I love a son who isn’t living here anymore but taught me more about
compassion, love and selflessness than people who have lived 300 times more
than his 17 short years.
“Give and it will be given,” Luke 6:38 is my message for
2016.
I receive this message as thus:
·
I gave my heart to Rich and he has loved me far
more than I ever thought I could be loved.
·
I devoted myself to being the best parent I
could be (bumps, warts, mistakes and all) and I was given the loveliest and most
special children who have taught me far more than I would have known without
them. I am a better person for being their
mom.
·
My parents taught me to give. They showed me to volunteer at church- be the
one who puts the chairs away. In school,
be the one who offers to clean the erasers (thank goodness that is a job no
longer needed in this world). I have
been the recipient of such generous charity-there are not words to describe
what has been given to me and my family.
My heart is humbled by what has been given to us.
·
I have shared Scott’s story of donation and my
story through grief to help my heart process and heal. Many women have come to share their stories
with me and I have gained the courage and strength to stand tall, cry crocodile
tears when I need to, speak Scott’s name when I want to and always know I am
not alone.
·
I was a friend to a few in my younger shy
years. As I’ve aged, I have learned to
reach out to others. In return, countless others have reached out to me and
touched my soul. I am rich beyond the
measure of a bank account.
But, the thing that I’ve received that
I did not have to give anything for is grace.
My family has always shown grace but I have not always been grateful for
it. To me, grace is the ability to make
mistakes and be forgiven. The ability to
say stupid things, apologize and be forgiven.
The fact that I can hurt feelings, be utterly and stupidly unaware but
yet be forgiven when I am heartily sorry.
Wow, the examples I’ve experienced have woven a quilt of love in my
heart that could fill the universe.
All of these ramblings are my
attempt to show my gratitude for another year-but make me not feel impatient to
celebrate “gifts”. I have been given the
biggest gift of all God’s Grace-flaws and all.
My sincerest wish to all is that you find grace and Grace before you are
48 years old. That is doesn’t take the
death of a son or mother to make you see them and appreciate them.
Toast today to life, grace, Grace
and happiness. Looking forward to seeing
all my beautiful cards and notes tomorrow-I know it will be a beautiful day.
