"The miracle ain't
the life you missed,…, it's the life you've got." Beverly Lewis in "The Shunning"
Only a few people know
that I love Amish fiction. Escaping in
my mind to a simpler place where the focus is on God, family and
community. A place where forgiveness
happens quickly, a place where everyone wants what is best for all. Don’t freak out, I know it is a fictionalized
place and there are downsides just as there are to every culture. I’m fully
aware I am imagining a storybook version- I haven’t lost my sensibility nor my cynicism
but tonight while binging on some Amish fiction Hallmark movies I was inspired
by the quote, “"The miracle ain't the life you missed, Katie, it's the
life you've got."
This spoke to my heart
because as a bereaved mom I sometimes wish for/ question why God did not
perform a miracle and kept Scott here. Thankfully,
those days are few and far between because most days I can celebrate that he is
Home, where I can’t wait to be. However,
on those days that my heart hurts openly, my eyes flow like two rivers and my
mind can’t help but wander to the “what would Scott be doing today” place it’s
easy to overlook the miracle of “the life I’ve got.” There is always an occasion to go to the “what
if” place, a trip to the grocery, a birthday, Scott’s friends heading off for
another year of college, a rugby match, leaving for boot camp, traveling,
getting married, having kids, the list goes on and on. Recently, a miracle was given to a family
near to my heart who could have easily been on our path. I rejoice that they were given the miracle I
prayed for but it took me to a “what if” place for a few days recently. There are a few other people close to me
right now still praying for that miracle and I will continue to lift their
petition up to God with pure heart that those are miracles are given.
Tonight though, I
refocused because the miracle I got is the “life I’ve got.” This isn’t a new idea, just something that I
was reminded of at just the right time (again).
I’m thankful that God is patient and continues to send me the messages I
need, just when I need them because I am every so forgetful, human, and
downright stupid sometimes. Following
Scott’s accident I spent every waking moment in pain and disbelief. I stopped being present for my friends and
family. Understanding that this is part
of the journey and true friendship is there to carry us through those dark
times; however, much to my dismay, as I came out of that black cloud I missed
so much living. At Marissa’s graduation,
I cried tears that Scott wasn’t there for her, that I’d never see him graduate
from high school or college. At every
wedding since I’ve sobbed through the mother/son dance because I won’t ever
have it. Each holiday is a struggle to
stay “here” but I am learning. Ahhh, it
makes me want to scream because I think I discounted my present for my “derailed
future”! Sadly, Marissa was one of the
first people to gently remind me to “be present” and not miss out on living
today. Out of the mouths of babes we
often learn the most valuable lessons.
I am pretty much the
luckiest damned person alive. I have the
most amazing husband who loves me and my craziness unconditionally. I have the smartest, most beautiful daughter
who expanded our circle by marrying Matt who loves her unconditionally and just
loves to make her smile. I have a God
who is good (ALL THE TIME) who helped me find a path to share Scott’s story but
use my talents to help so many. I have a
village who love us all. Also, I had 17 years
with the best son ever and that is more than any of us is guaranteed. My miracle is here. Now. And I am blessed to
be living my miracle. This isn't saying I haven't lived these four years, I have. But, just a reminder not to follow too far down the rabbit hole!
Parents who have lost
children, my heart hurts with you. I
hope you find encouragement to focus on the “life you’ve got.” I hope you do not need to be reminded as
often as I do that there is much still here to do. Sons, daughters, parents, husbands, and
framily to love on each and every day don’t forget to hug them, kiss them,
laugh with them and cherish them even when you are broken.
To everyone who reads
this blog: Live in the present, not in the past or the future. The past is a HUGE part of who we are and is
the wonderful home to precious memories. The future is/was filled with wonderful
expectations everyone knows it isn’t/won’t be the perfect future we imagined
(there is no such thing here). However, if we live in the present we may learn
that the future is even better than we had hoped for filled with love, joy and
tears…I guarantee you that the future won’t be what you expected-whether you
worry about it or not…
"The miracle ain't the life you missed,
... it's the life you've got."
